Over the course of my time in varying appointments, I never really had a plan so to speak. I just kind of went in listened and preached. I lead bible study, shared at meetings, did visits etc. I did all the pastor stuff. I couldn't really figure out why the church was not growing. I mean there was excitement, invitation etc but once I left it seemed to drop off.. In the past three years I have read many books, still reading in fact. articles, went to a conference and I continue to draw one conclusion: my role in ministry, no matter where I am is to help/guide people to find their gifts, pulling them together so they might impact the community an world around them, That means everything from my preaching, curriculum, structure, etc needs to be geared toward the mission of making disciples of Jesus Christ so as to transform the world. The more I have come to that realization, I have this feeling that I need to do things that not only are out of the box but not necessarily how the church would have them ordered. I am ordained to word, order, sacrament, and service. Sometimes we have the rules to make sure things don't get out of hand. However, if the structure is not creating space for new ideas, or allowing room for a new way of doing things, should we not step out of the box where we have a little more freedom to think?
It has become harder and harder to "fill committee slots" to the point that many churches end up placing warm bodies in those vacancies. The infrastructure we have the harder it is to make decisions even at the basic level. I mean if we need new carpeting, a group can't just do it or offer to have it done, we seem to need to give permission at more than one meeting. So by the time the decision is made after a couple of months, the group has forgotten about it and moved on. While I need to mentor the committees in their roles, my goal is to get them to the point that no matter who steps into my shoes, they can not only continue the administration but also be able to focus on ministry.
I feel myself in a role in which I do not think pastors have been before and I know I didn't get the "how to turn a church around" course in seminary. So in a sense I am feeling unsteady on my feet trying to lead the people through change. In my reading the turnaround churches ending up losing people who could not handle the change which would set the church free to be who God is calling them to be. I worry about that and maybe I shouldn't as I move in this wilderness of tough times, decreasing denominations and with a few trusted and devoted to this new idea stuff. I don't want to leave people behind. But at what point does moving forward in Christ's name become the goal rather than member retention, coddling the good monetary givers of the church, and maintaining the status quo. When I was ready to move this last time, I told my district superintendent I wanted to go where: they had little to no financial problems, they were ready to move and a group ready to embrace technology in ministry. The DS giggled and told me they didn't think there was any place like that in our conference. OUCH! Well there should be, I thought. When's the last time we created a new church not recreated a church with a merger/closing of churches?
This wilderness place is very disconcerting. Part of me just wants to simply do what the people want me to do. But my faith tells me otherwise. My faith tells me that Jesus always spoke truth to power. He held the light of God in one hand and a sword in the other. The sword was not one for inflicting pain but cutting through all the actions/words and call forth the truth by proclaiming what is false. That is hard. I have been trying to do that and found a couple of unsigned letters given to key people in the church anonymously to challenge me at every corner. I keep feeling like Moses, taking time to meet with God and coming back and seeing the people melting gold for the calf. I feel like Peter sometimes denying Christ, when I don't follow or hesitate for a moment to do what God calls me to do.
This wilderness is not an easy place. I am anxious and yet somehow th Spirit provides confidence to get out of bed and step closer to the goal of bringing the kingdom. I know there are so many that are hungry for Christ. I am listening to Jesus' voice but also asking, "Lord can you help direct me to those people so we can connect them to your love, grace, mercy and hope? Help me to shepherd and protect them and lead them until they can carry the torch and sword for others." Here I am Lord send me.